*Mango Lover*

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Only got myself to blame

Amazingly, I have been fucking awake for the entire night up till now. Juz lying in bed, thinking to myself. Mainly juz self-pity, I guess. Y are all these things happening simultaneously? When one is down with luck, every fucking shit seems to be thrown your way. (To YF: U r not the worst-off person in this world. I am more miserable.)

"Should have seen this coming. Should have read the sign. Should have known... that this is over..." These few phrases frm a song seem really apt now. Can't rem the title of the song though. All the sad songs juz come swimming into my mind right now.

I think I have been really naive again to land myself in such a situation all over again. Y had I let my guards down and didn't put up any defence? When I tot I was ready, U became the opposite instead. It wasn't easy for me to put my heart into another r/s. Y had I allow this to happen AGAIN? Well, I only have myself to blame. I juz convinced myself that it would be diff this time round and that HE is diff frm tat bastard. Guess it is better to stereotype afterall. I failed to protect my fragile little heart and I could hear it shattering all over the floor. Had illusions of happier images. Somehow, things dun always go my way. It hurts ALOT to fall from such a height. What was I thinking man? False hope is the most terrifying thing of all. I noe someone is gloating over this now. (Not referring to U. Damn it).

I hate myself. I'm not worthy of love. Dun give me the crap that I should love myself b4 anyone else can love me. Lost myself time and time again. My dignity, it isn't even worth a cent now. Yup, I brought all these upon myself. Told myself that no man is worth my tears. If a man causes u to drop tears, then he isn't worthy of your love. Yet, I fell for it so many freaking times...

It's too late, Eugene. U told me not to let history repeats itself. Believe me, I tried. But things still happen... for a reason i guess. I'm not destined to have good fortune.

Still the same old question (only directed at diff person): Where were U when I needed U most? People juz tend not to be there when I'm at my lowest points of life. Looking at the brighter side, I guess it juz moulds me to be a stronger person...

I wish someone could tell me that all this is a nightmare and I'll wake up in time. But no, it's impossible to have nightmare when u haven even fall asleep. It's better to face up to reality, yes... And i am right, 2006 is a shitty year afterall. Ok enough of all the bitterness. Nothing's gonna change.

And at other times, I wish I can be a little gal all over again and crawl back into my mother's arms for comfort. But it'll nv happen cos I was nv close to my mom. So it's juz me alone, snuggling against my cushions and pillows for warmth instead...

No worries, I'll get back on my feet again. It's only a matter of how long it will take...

++ MarryMango at 12:59 PM.